Blog - Paper 2 Section B
I think my own eyes brightened and my pupils dilated in the pitch dark just 30 minutes ago. The moon light slashed my eyes with light from the corners. I was squinting my eyes in order to see the hints of white and blue. But I lost my focus in a millisecond due to the smashing of the waves—my whole boat rocked from side to side.
I fell down with a crash. My hips and back were hit with a stinging pain. As the pain dulled, I got up gradually. I made a mental note to myself never to do that again. My ultra focus is a double-edged sword because it can help me make things clearer or more noticeable but I will be able to get knocked off balance just as easily. Which is what caused my downfall at this moment. The brown wooden boat I was on gave in to the force of the waves too easily.
Since my star gazing was cut short, I was forced to row back to safety where the dock was. I grabbed the orcs which were designed specifically to be smooth and detailed and I used my full strength to get the boat moving in the opposite direction. Since my boat would get rocked about due to the ocean tearing it apart in all directions. The ocean waves fluttered and collapsed habitually with the white light of the moon shifting on the water as it moved. The smell of fish grew in intensity as I began moving onward. It was not unpleasant at all, and it gave the ocean a unique smell to it that would always get me coming back to it with open arms.
When I eventually got close to the doc I could see the bright neon green showing me the way forward. It was a great hassle getting my boat in between the two platforms but it was not too much trouble since I did not have to lift it up with a mechanized system. In order to avoid kissing the ground, I had to touch the concrete pavement near the left side of the boat which felt unusually cold even despite the time of day. My fingertips could feel the unique tiny holes that would cover the concrete as well as the rough spots on it too. After carefully positioning my hands steadily on the concrete I adjusted my body so I could get my knee on there as well then I pushed myself up onto the concrete. After standing up, I tied the boat down using a rough sandstone rope with tiny strands of fiber sticking up from the rope.
I walked eagerly to the next place on my bucket list. ‘The gift’. That’s how I remember it anyway. It was a pretty long walk there. I had to go through the long and winding road. It's a road I've seen before. Many times I’ve tried to get to the end of it. Like a revolving door it leads me to the same place. This time though I was accompanied by my own shadow which stayed close to me as if it was afraid. It was not a dangerous road, barely any one was walking on it. It was just mysterious and unexplainable so it was effectively a paradox. The shadows casted by the buildings and street lamps made the place dark while the dizzying yellow light of the streetlamps brightened the area. They contrasted each other well. It was very noticeable. Every single step I took was followed by a light dull sound that knocked quietly on my ears. The air was a tiny bit chilly and warm at the same time. The tiny sound of buzzing could be heard from the moths below the street lights. The quiet sound of the black night also filled the air. It was an interesting journey and it dazzled me, so I quietly observed it all.
It seemed boundless standing there. From my perspective it seemed distorted. The eiffel tower glowed however with its light yellow lights. Most of it was covered in that light with exception to the (four) platforms that circled around it (those were golden brown in color with hints of yellow light reflected on it). And the dark blue of the night sky helped outline those lights on the eiffel tower. The eiffel tower popped out at you and the scenery around it complemented it with the dark green of the leaves that had a layer of golden light from the tower. The black streets also complemented the tower including the street lights that glowed lazily. In fact, the eiffel tower itself could be described as a moon and to the distant observer that would be rightfully deserved.
The whole day was quite slow but that was expected since I wanted it to be gradual as it unfolded before my eyes. I planned for it to start with watching the night sky and meticulously observing the moon and the stars while rowing on a boat. Then I planned to walk the whole way to the Eiffel tower and then spend the rest of the time there until I had to go back home to Paris and spend the night in my lonesome and cramped hotel room. The next morning, I would need to pack up my things and head out, back to my home.
-Your writing was clear, but was slightly choppy in my opinion. I was also slightly confused originally as your story takes place in Paris, France but you mentioned an ocean in the beginning. Paris is a landlocked city with rivers, no oceans. Also, I really liked how you describe how the “ocean waves fluttered and collapsed habitually…” This provided a sense of movement. (3)
ReplyDelete-There were a few mistakes such as the lack of capitalization of “Eiffel Tower,” and the possible mistyping of “doc.” However, they did not impede communication and I was able to understand your writing as is. (4)
-Your descriptive piece was written in chronological order which made it logical and clear to read. It was also written with a steady pace. (4)
-You described the various colors surrounding you such as “light yellow, “dark blue,” and “dark green.” However, there was limited discussion of sound which is what the prompt asked for. I think you nailed creating a sense of atmosphere when out on the boat. (2)
-I really liked the way you described the “rough sandstone rope” as it provides the reader with a better visual than just saying “rope.” Also, you made the reader feel calm when you said that you keep “coming back to it with open arms.” I would suggest maybe including something nostalgic in your writing. (3)
-Final Score: 16/25
- In terms of expression, language, and sentence structure I would score you in a 3-4 range. I feel that there are a lot of moments where you are able to adequately express what you were feeling in an effective way, "My hips and back were hit with a stinging pain. As the pain dulled, I got up gradually." You also use some less common lexical choices like "boundless." But I also feel that some sentences such as, "They contrasted each other well. It was very noticeable." Were somewhat repetitive and choppy.
ReplyDelete- The second point, in terms of accuracy I would score at a 3. There are a few sentences that show some grammar issues such as, " The eiffel tower glowed however with its light yellow lights." There were a few spots where you forgot capitalization on Eiffel. I also feel that there are sentences such as, "I tied the boat down using a rough sandstone rope with tiny strands of fiber sticking up from the rope." that could be reworded to flow better. Finally, the last mistake was when you said you must return to Paris when you are already in Paris. Besides this, I do not feel that it impedes communication in any way.
- In terms of organization, I feel that most of your story is organized clearly and your ideas are developed properly. I would also score this at a level 3 understanding. I was a little confused with the transition from the boat to the city but once he was in the city I was able to start piecing the world of this story together. Despite this, I feel that there is no significant impact on how the ideas are being organized. It was clear, but I feel that your ideas can be introduced differently or more effectively.
- In terms of how well you achieved the task I would score you a 3. You were able to develop a great sense of atmosphere throughout the story but there was little indication that this was a vacation that you take. It seemed more like a mystery story than a vacation. While you did an excellent job at portraying the city. You were able to make the city bright by bringing up the stars and lights, but I feel that more emphasis should be put on your emotions from these lights rather than, "I quietly observed it all."
- I would give you a 4 in terms of audience engagement, although this is more of a personal opinion. I felt intrigued to continue reading to see what you would see next and was engaged throughout.
Altogether, I would put you in the 15-16 range.